to be seen

I have often thought about what it would be like to see the me that you see.

Were I to see me through your eyes and your heart, how would I be?

Would I walk the same? Would the tones of my vocal chords sound the same? How would I see the world? Would I kiss the same? What would it be like to look in the mirror?

I love to imagine that in a parallel universe, we are able to hop into each other’s bodies- much like a variable dressing room of the souls. How does this one look on my butt? This one does nothing for my figure. I am my best self here and a raging dumpster fire here. It’s hot in this one. This one smells like cat food. I want my Mommy.

The phrase “walk a mile in my shoes” would cease to exist. And those who act to simply try on different versions of themselves would need to come up with a different approach.

But, think of the possibilities.

Yes, consent could be a problem- there’s the potential for mind mutiny, (think Darth Vader/Kylo Ren or Legion), those that are just looking to get off, (hey, don’t knock it.. seriously though, think about how hot it could be to consensually hop into the body of someone you desire…), and some unthinkable evils I am sure would be more than possible and exploited, but for now, I’d like to focus on the idea of truly being seen.

Have you had this experience?

I hope so.

I truly wish it for you.

I hope we all have multiple opportunities to know how it feels to be seen; that another person gets us, sees through to our soul, knows the curves of our inner body and the smell of our tissue.

Sees it, knows it, and accepts it (me) for what it is (I am).

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There is a film that personifies exactly what I am feebly fumbling to describe.

I am a little (a great deal) obsessed with it actually.

I listen to the soundtrack (often) and have seen it several times.

As I type this, I feel a pounding in my chest, saliva gathers and pools around my tongue, and a surge of adrenaline courses through me in an attempt to urgently hurl all my ideas out, much like ripping off one’s clothes, in an undeniable longing and attempt to experience it’s blinding beauty yet again.

I am either smiling or crying throughout the entire film. To say it moves me is a colossal understatement.

I am sure you have seen it- it’s Call me by your name.

If you have yet to see it, please do the world a favor and go watch it now.

I promise, you will be moved. In the off chance that you are not, please check that you are in fact alive and indeed have a pulse, you f%$#ing WASTE OF SPACE. (I kid, I still love you…no, really, I don’t)

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There are many moments in the film where each lover seems to do just this- see the other for what they truly are and might not yet be aware of, but also, they seem to hold the uncanny ability to crawl into each other’s innards and see the other with their own eyes, from inside each other’s bodies.

To predict. To know. To accept. To be innately inevitable.

The Father has such a profoundly famous moment with his son, that if you just begin to type in “father’s monologue from call”, google fills in the rest and you will see an outpour of adoration and appreciation for this scene.

As a parent, this scene tugs at my heart, as a therapist, it rips out my guts, and as a human being, I just can’t help but to melt into a puddle of sparkly love goo.

I mashed together what I consider to be the most impactful parts here or you can just go watch it for yourself here:

“When you least expect it, nature has cunning ways of finding our weakest spot. Just remember I’m here. Right now, you may not want to feel anything. Maybe you’ll never want to feel anything. And, maybe it’s not to me you want to speak about these things, but feel something you obviously did/We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster that we go bankrupt by the age of 30 and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to make yourself feel nothing so as not to feel anything—what a waste!/Right now, there’s sorrow, pain; don’t kill it, and with it, the joy you’ve felt.”

Feel something he obviously did. The Dad saw it. I feel it. At will. On repeat.

You see, in order to truly be seen, we have to feel. Like Feist muses, and the title of my blog so aptly describes, we need to feel it all because feels are good, my friend. They are so damn good. Don’t kill them. Feel. Know that you are seen. Know that someone, somewhere, sees you like this Dad, or like Elio or Oliver…

To be seen is the utmost vulnerability.

Feel on, my friends. Feel on.

And, maybe, just maybe, dance like Armie Hammer’s Oliver?

PS…I am aware that my musings are not some profound realization. Hell, the title is Call me by YOUR name. That’s so on the nose, I can smell it. But, having dug a little deeper, take a look at the first line from one of the more famous songs from the film, Mystery of Love by Sufjan Stevens:

Oh, to see without my eyes.

AND, if you want to get even more nerdy, check out this article about Armie’s experience with the film.

More noses. All the noses. When you go looking…if you build it, they will come.

For the full lyrics, go here, and for the soundtrack, go here.